hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
