White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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