I'm gonna have a badass scar
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I think your dad took our porno
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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