i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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