i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
They have beer where we have blood.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
