Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you will always have a special place in my vag
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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