this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
