She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
