This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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