Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize