A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
