Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
