Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
