Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize