Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
