now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
