Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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