I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think your dad took our porno
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
