Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
