If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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