I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
third nipple confirmed
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
