Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
