Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
