my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
