i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
