On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Is it penis luge time yet?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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