Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
