I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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