Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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