Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You ruined the universe
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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