I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
