I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
