I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
