Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
