dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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