I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
