it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
