she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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