Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
