Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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