I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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