Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
