I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
