her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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