Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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