Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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