Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
How does one acquire holy water?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
