i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Dignity is for republicans.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
