So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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