So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
