I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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