pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
