we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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