so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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